what to do...

Growing up isn't easy. This isn't the first time I'm saying this and this is most definitely not the first time this idea was thought of. It's a fact really. Sometimes life leaves you kicking and screaming, begging and pleading like a bratty child in the mall, waiting for you to realize that you're not going to get what you want being that way. Sure you can keep on crying especially if you really want something you can't have, but sooner or later, you'll realize you'll have to pick yourself up and either find some other innovative way of getting what you want or you do the more difficult task of simply accepting that there are just some things you can't have.

I know I was always scared that this would be one of it, but I guess I really thought for a moment that the world wasn't that cruel. It wouldn't set you up just to tear you away from something you love that much. And yet here I am. The only consolation, I guess is the manner in which it was done. All break ups are hard, but I'm sure things could have gone so much worse if life was as cruel on us. No, this was a good break up. Not an easy one, but at least a mutually accepted, purposeful break up. I don't think everyone can say that about their long invested relationships.

I still can't believe where I am though. I thought, among all the things in life I had to worry about, that aspect would be the last thing on my mind. I had it made I thought. That would be my happy ending, my home in the midst of all the other uncertainties in life. But then I guess I was wrong. I was so wrong, and I'm sure we're on the same page with this one, that it's been about a month since we ended and we're still just accepting that we're not going to be together anymore. This isn't just some cool off, time apart or whatever other terms people give to a complicated set up. No. This is really clear, with all the boundaries up and well defined. From the day we ended, friends was the most that we could aspire to be, and honestly for the earlier parts, that was understandably difficult. 

Sure the pain is here, and I still feel every bit as attached to him, but i think we both understand that this has to be done. This was a much needed and much postponed split up. It's that, really; a split up. We're parting ways. I don't think we so broken that we couldn't be fixed. And we didn't actually grow apart. In fact the reason there's a split up is precisely so we can grow apart- separately. After all, we've been together for so long, that maybe it is time for yet another painstaking journey of self- discovery.

I'm almost laughing right now. I can feel the tears building up inside of me, and yet at the same time a little voice is going off in my head saying that this is the way to go. Let's just hope it's not some demonic home wrecker.

I wish I could get this out of the way already or at least figure out how to solve it. It must be solved. dun dun dun. I think this is a me problem here @_@ oh well it's not like there's anything new about that.

pick a pickle

There is much to be discussed and much to be realized. These past few days have been very different, not to mention difficult.  I'm taking into consideration what I'm feeling and what someone said. But then all of that put together is confusing me even more. What now?

I seem to ask myself that all the time. What now? I don't think I'm pressed for time and yet time and again I catch myself asking what now. Maybe one time I can settle with just sitting there asking that very question but not really trying to find an answer. Maybe by then asking that question will only be fueled by some force of habit instead of deeper an underlying impatience and discontent with what is.

But then I suppose at this point I can ask wonder. After all, there seems to be some sense of urgency in what's happening. I wouldn't want to take anything or anyone for granted. So at this time, the "what now" is very important. What's my next step? 

The thing is, I can't really remember my first step, or even if I try to recall that, it won't make much of a difference because the truth is, I can't figure out where I am right now. At least for this moment, I'm taking that nagging question a quite literally. What am I now? What is all of this now?

Fight or Flee?

This all seems so complicated, and yet I know weeks, maybe months from now, when I look back, it won't seem to be. It'll just be past and under the bridge, laughable even. Well I'm not laughing yet. In fact I feel like pulling my hair out just a bit. I'm wishing for time to move on by faster just so I can take a different approach to this thing already. This can't just be some solo stunt. That wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't make sense either to make it that way since this problem is in essence rooted in a more than one person situation.

These past few days I have been experiencing a confusing combination of happiness, loneliness, freedom, control and sadness. Well of course I don't all the good bits to go away. I'm actually really enjoying this feeling of control and spontaneity in my life right now. I enjoy only having a vague idea of what I'm going to do in a day and finding myself in good company. It's like everyday has a little lovely surprise and a tiddy bit of adventure. 

Now before I start rambling like some Disney princess, the point really of what I'm saying is that I really miss this feeling. There was a time when I didn't plan anything. There was a time when I could just be somewhere and find myself with a whole different set of people without having planned it by the end of the day. I understand that it's really not a big thing, but then I guess it is for me. I feel like it's been so long since I've really felt this kind of freedom and control. I actually get to see my friends at wonderfully random occasions now. 

I don't want to lose this feeling, that's for sure. But then I'm also sure about a handful of other things. And unsure about a few others as well.

Sadly I'm getting awfully sleeping so I will let this be a pickle and perhaps tale a look at it tomorrow. 

first step

I'm doing this. We're doing this. It's almost pathetic how difficult a time I'm having this early on. It's only been 1 day, half actually. But it was still hard. I didn't last very long. I even had a nightmare. But what could I have expected. Yesterday was the first day. It can only get batter right?

I'm going away for a couple of days. That might help. At least even when I get the urge, there will be some restraint there. It's just time really. At least apart from fear from what happens next. I can still hope right? Or would that be foolish at this point.

I need to be rid of this. I need to be rid of all of this already. It isn't healthy. And yet I'm the one who's more addicted at least in the more obvious ways. I can't do aloof or indifference, at least not unless the situation is easy. This clearly isn't. 

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

I'm quite scared.

I'm very scared, and I'm not really prepared for this. Please help. Please let this be bearable.

because I can't seem to be heard

I'm guessing what I was doing was difficult to deal with, but then I actually thought that maybe I could be helped. Instead all my efforts to ask for help were met with no reply. What am I supposed to do now.

It's quite unfair that you can just do that when I'm the one getting affected without having done anything. It's quite unfair that you can choose to be on vacation and leave me to just swallow everything you're shoving in my face. I know it's more my problem than it is yours, but know that the only reason I'm like this is because I actually thought we were supposed to fix this together. Instead you go MIA without even telling, just because you're having a hard time. That's unfair.